The Best Christmas Ever

 Now that the seasonal excitement is winding down, I would say to continue the theme that started when this holiday season rolled around and calling this the best Christmas ever is definitely a no-brainer. The road traveled internally since February with the uncertainty of that time and whether I`d be around here for Christmas makes me stop and think.  Here I sit staring a new year in the face as it waits in the wings a few days away. To be able to sit here putting these words to paper gives me pause to recognize how that makes me a very lucky and grateful man. So much has transpired since the early part of this year.

The fact my wife and I were able to celebrate Christmas this year on Christmas Day added to the special nature of this holiday season. She was able to get out a little early on Christmas Eve so our weekend started ahead of schedule. We talked till the wee hours of the morning that night and when one works 2nd shift that is a somewhat common occurrence though we both managed to stay awake past our typical crash time. 

  Christmas started a three days early for me this year with three phone conversations and an email from four individuals instrumental in keeping my spirits up in their own way throughout this year.  Each individual at different times and in their own unique way gave me such a boost of Spirit I can't put it into words. I will do my best to carry on and carry forward and pass on what they each have given me. We communicated by text, email and phone and the one in person visitor of those four won't see this because he doesn't really do the Interwebs. 

The relationships were created in their own unique ways, two were old friends and two were new this year. One was someone I met through a common connection whose support and good thoughts, whether by phone or email, have been a huge part of helping me navigate through the ups and downs of 2016. The other new friend resulted from a comment online and lead to much laughter and support that I still don't think he really knows how much he helped me this year. We haven`t talked by phone yet. The other two were my oldest friends calendar wise that are still above ground. One managed to make a stop at the house on a quick turnaround trip to Arizona back in the summer; we hadn't seen each other in several years. The best news from him is he will be out here again in January and we'll be able to sit and break bread. The last was my longest time old friend that is bar none  the best wrench I have ever known. I haven't seen him in over a dozen years though we do talk at least 2 to 3 times a month. These four reminded me of a few old friends that are not with us anymore and I think of those folks often, especially at this time of year. 

Christmas day I awoke and told my wife  "I felt better than I have in close to 2 years and for sure a year and a half at least. Not better in the sense I'm going to run outside and paint the house though it needs it. It is different and better than just a body feeling it is a Soul feeling. I still get worn out too fast to suit my taste, most tasks take two to three times longer to complete and I'm not always steady afoot though little improvements in regard to any of those instances are most notable. I do take the time to recognize and celebrate them. 

One goal reached another standing by and a third will be here soon.

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The New Year is almost upon us and I plan on making a few resolutions but those are for another edition of The Hole in the Paper.

I hope everyone's Christmas was as merry as mine.

Have a safe, happy and prosperous New Year.

A Three in One Special

     

Update:

I spent yesterday afternoon getting prepped to have the PowerPort in my chest removed. The ridiculous part of it was an hour and a half of prep and an hour recovery for a 15 minute procedure that I don't remember. That little joker looked like a ping pong ball under my skin though it looked smaller recently because I gained some weight. For the past 8 months it made for easier access for chemo and bloodwork and saved me from looking like a pincushion. It definitely feels excellent to have cleared that hurdle. 

                            Cold as a meat locker there per usual




Coming Attractions:

I've let the days get away with me lately and haven't posted anything though I have been writing daily. I realized that some days the email correspondence I've had with a couple of people was taking the place of working on pieces or other ideas. I had to allow myself to be okay with that as those emails showing up in my Inbox had become a big part of my recovery. I am working on a post for something I had promised to a former coworker and friend that needs to be up here pertly. There are actually more things in the works though right now that one has jumped to the head of the line.

Tribute: 

Any basketball fan knows Craig Sager took his step this week and he'll be missed by more than the people in his immediate family. The friendships he created with the athletes he covered were obvious when he did his sideline interviews.  Seeing the reverence from his colleagues when he covered his first NBA Finals game this June was a great example of getting back what you put out there. He was an example for me;  I wondered how he managed to handle being a public figure and going through what he was going through off camera too. Being in the public eye while being a member of that dubious club with a cancer diagnosis; I'm not sure I would have handled it as well as he did. Over the past several years of my sporadic NBA viewing his wild  colorful suits have been the highlight of most NBA games. I do know he's okay where he is. Godspeed Craig.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah

Devour These Cookies

 

Not a plug for Betty Crocker just what I had on my shelf.

      This is a great little recipe I've used for many moons. I love its simplicity in addition to the short time it takes to go from bowl to plate. If you need to have a quick 3 dozen cookies for a pot luck or just feel like a treat with afternoon coffee or tea these surely fit the bill.

    I've experimented with this recipe over the years and discovered a few things. First off, these cookies are made to be devoured the day they are made. I've found even with a good sealed container they tend to get really crispy by the next day which I guess makes them perfect for any dunkers out there. See me with my hand raised over here? A half slice of bread tossed into the container with any left over will keep them soft and chewy the next day.

     Your experiments may turn out better than mine have. I've found that making large cookies hasn't produced good results.  Using mini sized chips or chopping up candy bits smaller produces chewier cookies. The main advice I'll share is the recipe works best when the oven is up to temp before baking.

     Enjoy.




Quick Cake Mix Cookies

Prep time: 10 minutes or less

Preheat oven to 350

In a medium sized mixing bowl combine:

1 Boxed Cake Mix

2 eggs

1/2 cup of oil

If desired add extras: nuts, chips, coconut, raisins, etc. Use confectioners sugar for a sweet dusty finish or add your favorite extract to flavor plain yellow or white cake mix.

Drop rounded teaspoons (1.5" or so) onto ungreased cookie sheet about 2" apart

Bake for 8-10 minutes depending on your oven on middle rack. I've found when I can really smell them they are usually done.

Cool enough to prevent burnt fingers before devouring.

Store leftovers in a sealed container.

Makes about 3 dozen

The Best Thanksgiving Ever

   

    To say this Thanksgiving was the best one ever wouldn't be an overstatement at all. When I was faced with a diagnosis of cancer as a late birthday present in February I knew I was in for the fight of my Life. This was much more than a drunken brawl at a bar or a party over something that in all reality was always just an example of stupid shit that many of us are guilty of in our younger years. When it came to thinking about the possibility that I would not be here for Thanksgiving let alone Christmas that was something I couldn't allow myself to do. Forget about talking about it either because the idea of having that conversation felt akin to giving in and I refused to do that.

     We had an awesome Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday made with love by my amazing wife. We have both worked in call centers since the turn of this century and anyone else out there who works in one of those salt mines of the city knows it is very rare to get a holiday off. We have become accustomed to the practice of Thanksgiving on the weekend that follows it, which ends up being a nice way to start the holiday season with a running start. I devoured my whole plate before she finished hers, which happens rarely even though my portions are still small compared to my pre-diagnosis meals.

     When we called Mom and Dad after dinner we got the conversation started about why this was the best Thanksgiving ever and talked about the ones to come and it felt really good to do that.  Later my wife and I continued the conversation after that door opened.

     I could only imagine what went through her mind on a daily basis at the beginning of this battle and hearing from her what it was like then was enlightening and further hardened the cement in the conviction that I am so thoroughly loved. I told her back when we first decided to be together that she can tell me she loves me all she wants though I'd rather have her show me. She has never disappointed in that regard. She still shows me every day and it's been vital for me in this past year and still is.

     My thinking at the the beginning of this challenging year was foggy at best from the pain, drugs or being carted from one doctor or test to another that was happening on any singular day. I do know I wondered how my girl was doing and I 'd ask. And she, in her own similar to my "do it myself" fashion said she was fine and wouldn't let on what was going on for her. The clarity I have now versus the lack of recall I have for much of those first couple months makes me grateful.

     Our after dinner conversation evolved into how thankful we both were for having this holiday together and about the ones we have yet to come.  Just being able to share this holiday together made it the best Thanksgiving ever. As I finished that sentence a thought came to me in the form of a question.

     Isn't every holiday the best one of its kind ever if you get to celebrate it with those you love and who love you?

     My holiday wish for each and every one of you is that the answer to that question is a resounding yes.
 

                                                              HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Fibber McGee's Cyber Closet

     It's been a couple of weeks since I last updated my blog here and figured I better get on the stick soon. I've sure had no want for topics to write about though the time to sit and do it has been pushed around by other necessities that needed handling.

     I'm still in recovery mode and the time to actually sit and type does have its limits much to my chagrin. I have a few posts that are partially done (6) though they need some editing and a pic or two to tart them up a bit. I keep finding things to write about so instead of finishing one I start another and go until I hit the wall and have to stop for the day. I willing to bet there is more than one or two of you with a handful of unfinished projects stuck in a closet somewhere. The old silver teapot I was going to make into a lamp just winked at me from its space on the bookshelf above my head. Getting to that one is still a ways off.

     I've wanted to put together another post to more or less help let the saga of this year pass quietly into the night. No such luck yet though everyday ends with a sense of progress and I go to sleep at night expecting further progress in the days to come.

     The wall has been hit for today so it's time for some meds and a nap. I'll be back you can count on it.

Worse Than a Bad Relative

This was taken a couple weeks after I first started chemo and before I started to melt like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. My kitty companion nurse couldn’t answer the phone or the door but she sure could lay down some stinky farts. This recliner I'm sitting in has been both my hangout spot and my bed since the beginning.

     After my first post about dealing with the scary C word for most of this year I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pen another one. After giving it some thought I decided to go ahead and do it. Back at the beginning before my hands started to be uncooperative and I felt like a double order of dog shit and biscuits 24/7 I started a journal over this bout with lung cancer.  


This experience has monopolized my thoughts and my days since February and as much as I had no desire to stay stuck in what many perceive as a negative it sure has been a learning experience. Those opportunities I've heard and often them called myself by the acronym  A.F.G.O, aka, Another F***ing Growth Opportunity. It sure has been. I figured tossing some pictures in the mix wouldn’t hurt either. I also have a request I’ll save to the end. For better or worse here we go.

Never too far from me

    

     When I looked back a few months before my diagnosis I can see how things evolved. I felt something may have been wrong for a while since I felt so lousy and run down on a regular basis for months before I landed in the ER. I considered getting an MRI for the pain in my shoulder a couple times since that had been a constant issue. Even with insurance the outright ridiculous cost made it easier to put off. I figured I'd pinched a nerve in my arm or something because the pain, the tingling or both would disappear from time to time.  


     The MRI on 2/5/16 found a mass about the size of a billiard ball. It was in my upper left lung and pressing on my throat and spine. A PET scan a couple weeks showed how lucky I am since it was all localized and hadn't spread to my lymph nodes. Even after I told the Doctor what had been going on he said there was no way of knowing how long it had been growing. I’ve never asked the doc for a prognosis though I know from my research that the numbers for Stage lllA adenocarcinoma suck. I decided early on, “Nope, we aren’t having this shit in my house”; it would be worse than the relative who drinks all your booze then leaves a mess in your bathroom. You know sooner or later they would eventually have to leave. I planned on making this turn out the same way.

     You sure need to keep your sense of humor because cancer will definitely try to steal your dignity. The daily task is not only keeping your chin up but also trying to find some humor in whatever form it takes. We've for sure had more than an abundant share of our own laugh out loud moments. Humor is definitely a port in a storm during an experience like this. You have to keep your mind turned to the good around you though not be afraid to yell Foul! when you need to.

Yes Virginia there was a chin under under all that fur. My Mrs. had never seen my chin, it took her a bit of getting used to. I had to shave my face for the last 18 radiation treatments. The reason for that shows up below. This was taken after round 3 of chemo about halfway through radiation.

            First the hair had to go, it wore me out moving it out of the way to eat and what not.Tying it back became too uncomfortable.

Then I had to get rid of the French Connection from my chin to my ears. Shaving with a blade became too difficult when I couldn't bend back to see my neck.  Getting used to an electric razor has been interesting endeavor.

Mom and Dad came from upstate NY to visit for a weekend a few weeks after radiation ended. It was such a seriously big boost to both our spirits that words just really can't  express.  Thanks and Love to you both.

These are, as I called them, my Radiation Kids . They had to talk me down off the ceiling that last week. I was so done with getting filled with poison and being zapped by lasers at that point. I had already graduated to my Doctor Who suspenders weeks before this was taken since my belt didn't have enough holes to hold up my pants.

This is the reason for the shave. I named it my Count of Monte Cristo mask.  My Mrs. wasn't a big fan since she knew how tough the last rounds of radiation was on me. The black buttons snapped onto the table and held this sucker right against my face so I couldn't move my head while I was broiled with lasers. It's stuck in a closet waiting for an indecent burial. The candy was a surprise for sure from my Radiation Kids  and I was surprised when they told me it wasn't something they often did. I figured I must have received the World's Worst Patient Award; my lovely wife Dani will attest to that moniker.

About 2 months after radiation and chemo ended and I finally started to put back on some of the weight I lost.

This is what a gallon of Magic Mouthwash(real name for it) looks like. This stuff is pretty much a life saver if you can't swallow without a lot of pain. Take it from me, don't think more is better, it is not. I made that mistake only once and was numb all the way to my stomach. What a thoroughly strange feeling.

     

     There are a couple of things left I feel the need to mention and one comes in the form of a request. If you have a persistent feeling something doesn't seem quite right about you go to the damn doctor that's what they're for. You are your best advocate. If you have questions, ask. Write your questions down prior to any doctor visits or tests. It makes those questions easier to keep track of since it is quite easy to get distracted by all the machinations you're put through during the process. The doctors and nurses will get tired of questions. Tough, there are much worse things then being the World's Worst Patient if it keeps you alive. If something doesn't seem right or changes in midstream verify what is going on. Everyone may be nice and appear helpful though incompetence too can have a smiling face.The Magic Mouthwash above was suggested by another former cancer patient and we had to ask for it since it wasn't suggested as an option. When you're being told you need to eat but everything tastes like black pepper or dirt nothing is very appetizing. If it also hurts like hell to swallow, food becomes another thing to fight through so make yourself more comfortable. This stuff is liquid gold and comes in different mixtures for different conditions.

     One of the things I've had to force myself to get accustomed to is I can't just bounce around the stores at this juncture. Out of necessity I've become one of those cart people that get in your way at the grocery store. Even now I'm pretty sure I can drive a car better than I can one of those. I now have somewhat of a deeper appreciation for what it's like to get around on wheels at least part time. Tooling around a store on one of these jokers is often not a lot of fun since they are generally not maintained worth a crap. Often found rickety is the phrase I would use. Still there are moments when it can be fun; like after you knock over an entire rack of shirts at Walmart. 

As a final request please be mindful of those folks in the carts since I could be one of them. The toes you save may be your own. 

Thanks for stopping by. Comments and shares are appreciated.

From the desk of  Greg Davis, thanks.

I Hope You Got a Better Birthday Present

     This post has been probably the most difficult one to write of any that I’ve posted here. It has taken me the better part of a year to finally just put it out there. It was not because I was planning to rewrite War & Peace or something ridiculous like that. Even now sitting here tapping out some edits of these words I find myself hesitating to continue.

     Why so hard you ask? Well, there are a couple of reasons behind that and they are interconnected I’d have to say. I can’t say with any conviction which one carries more weight than the other though that can and has changed from day to day over the past 8 months. Anyone that knows me or has over a long stretch of time and thankfully there are still a good few of them around, knows I’ve been known to keep stuff to myself. The other is there have been many days I wasn’t up to it. Actually there were quite a few of those days and contact of any kind was too much to handle at that juncture.

     Back in February on my birthday my intended Facebook status for the day was coming to the conclusion that as the calendar page changes and the days roll into years the only thing anyone truly wants for their birthday is another one. Within a few days I wasn't sure I'd be able to fulfill that desire.

     Before I was able to actually update my status that day I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t catch a breath and was gulping air like the goldfish that jumped from his bowl to the counter. Needless to say I scared the living crap out of my lovely wife when I woke her from a dead sleep to call 911.

     So off to the ER at the nearest hospital I went to endure what passes for emergency medicine for the next 8 hours or so. After blood work, a chest x-ray and some pain meds they decided to keep me for observation.

     That night I saw a parade of doctors and nurses either just checking in or checking vitals. If your doctor ever tells you they are putting you in the hospital for rest and observation you can tell them from me that they are full of shit; especially the rest part. Granted I often sleep only in 2 hour stretches anyway but having someone else wake me up every 2 hours to poke me and fiddle around gets old real quick.

     By the time I got to day 3 I knew something was up. I spent that day having what felt like every test known to man. They stuck a camera down my throat to look at my gizzard then I rode the Stargate machine, otherwise known as a CT scan. The pain in my back made the MRI virtually unendurable and they had to fill me with goofy juice so I wouldn’t fidget. I dubbed the MRI tech Cruella DeVille for her sparkling bedside manner.

     Later that day the doctor who I’ve spent the most time with these past months came to see me while I was waiting for another test. When he told me he was an oncologist I wasn’t surprised. My initial reaction was more like scared and pissed and in that order. I liked him immediately. The fire in his eyes communicated to me he would do his best to help me whatever it took.

     He told me I had Stage lllA adenocarcinoma small cell lung cancer that he saw in my left lung and he wanted to start me on chemotherapy as soon as possible. Some of the horror stories I’ve heard about chemo flashed through my mind as I listened to him tell me the plan.

     Over the next two weeks I spent a good part of many days sitting in waiting rooms for tests, bloodwork, etc. Since I was feeling pretty much lousy as a constant state of being at that juncture doing all this really wore me out.One of those trips included getting a little plastic and metal power port attached to a big vein just below my right collarbone. It’s used to administer chemo and take blood so I wouldn’t end up being looking like a pincushion. The damn spike they use to access it is over an inch long and it’s buried to the hilt when they use it. Thankfully they use freeze spray most of the time before doing that though the image of it going in is a bit freaky. And with no freeze spray it would bring me right off the chair. Fun was not had. I still have it and it’s not a problem other than the weird feeling I get when I happen to run my hand across it.

     After my first chemo treatment I was still continually fighting to breathe and I was worn out. My days turned into a series naps in my recliner when I wasn’t going for tests or doctor’s visits. My doctor put me back in the hospital after one visit when he became concerned about my breathing. So off to the ER again I went from inside the hospital this time for more tests. The ER doc looked at my CT scan and determined that the tumor had grown since I had started chemo. It hadn’t changed size it had just moved. Since oncology was not his specialty nor was reading CT scans he started a chain of events that landed me in the hospital for the next few days and also start the mapping out of the next several weeks. My Oncologist and Radiologist decided they wanted to push the start of radiation ahead and do both together. Little did I know what would transpire in the coming days.

     I’m not going to bore you, though I may have already, with the details of the hell the next 6 weeks entailed. This is the part where I talk about the cure being worse than the disease. It’s definitely true when referring to what we know of medicine here in the US. Losing over 60 pounds in the matter of a few weeks will knock the ever living shit out of you. By the time radiation ended I had 3 more stays in the hospital ranging from 2 to 5 days. The last one was for a blood transfusion after I crashed in the oncologist’s office and would have bitten anyone that got close enough to me. This happened during my last week of radiation. I was done with all of it. I was beat up, beat down and just plain tired of feeling like I wouldn’t make it through the night and enduring  other days hoping that I didn’t. Those were some dark days, very dark. Thankfully one of my radiation techs talked me off the ceiling to finish the last 4 days of radiation since I was having none of it.

     Since then I’ve been slowly building myself back up. Of course we all know patience is a virtue and there are days I don’t feel so virtuous. Patience with myself to get back to a sense of normalcy hasn’t happened fast enough for me, though it’s getting there.

     The good news is this. My first CT scan 2 months after treatment ended showed the mass had shrunk from the size of a billiard ball to be the size of the ball that comes with a set of jacks like I used to play with as a kid. Even better was the last one 2 months later that showed the tumor as nothing more than a shadow, basically gone plus the node I had from a dose of valley fever in my right lung is now gone too. Also, the part of the tumor that was pushing my spine and causing my pain is stable and hasn’t changed though the pain still reminds me its around. My voice is improving but I still sound a bit like a villain from a 40s gangster flick. Talking for an extended period of time still tuckers me out pretty well too.

    I do get tired out pretty quickly and the nueropathy in my hands and arms makes writing both therapeutic and taxing. When I get to the point of having to retype almost every word I know it is time to quit for the day. Naps have become an important part of my day to regroup and recharge. Life has become simple; Eat when I’m hungry, sleep when I’m tired, do what I can when I have the energy to do so.

     As of today, I’m doing good though right now I’ve reached one of those simple points; it’s time for a nosh and a nap.

     Thanks for reading, as always comments and shares are welcome. I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere just yet.  

No You Didn't See Me in the Funny Papers

     I know it has been a right good while since I’ve dropped a few words here and at the risk of being cryptic I’ll ask you to bear with me a bit longer in that regard. I haven’t been locked up, in a coma or hiding in a cabin in the mountains in case you’re wondering. This year has been one for observing, a lot of that in fact, and there has been much to see in the view from my chair.

     One thing I did do, which in hindsight I seemed to have spent an inordinate amount of time on, almost to the point of literary paralysis, was attempting to decide what my niche or target audience would be. That question crops up repeatedly when reading blogs, books or magazine articles about the writer’s life. Many days just reading became a singular accomplishment in itself.

     Several, if not many times I sat hands poised above the keyboard with a blank document open in front of me and I somehow managed to find something else that jumped in line ahead of what I had in mind to put to paper.  I sure cannot say that there hasn’t been enough happening around the globe to leave me at a loss to write about.

     I’ve never liked being pigeon-holed and I imagine most folks don’t like to be either. That particular feeling for me is akin to standing in a hole buried up to my chin while waiting for someone to use me as a Whack-A-Knoll. What I did learn however is that I have a myriad of interests and any posts in the future will continue to be my usual mixed bag of whatever I’m tickled to write about.

   


     In between my bouts of research and some forced inactivity I did manage to get a few bits of short fiction at least partially in the can. Getting to the point where I force myself to stop trying to tweak and edit it further or getting distracted to work on another idea has become the proverbial double-edged sword.


     I also spent some time going back through the posts I’ve already dropped here and realized a few things; I definitely need to bone up on my editing skills and my blog layout is in dire need of a sprucing up. Those projects will be good for days when my muse is asleep.

     To say this year has been one full of profound challenges and startling epiphanies would be a gross understatement. One exceptionally positive note has been the many examples in my experience that reinforce my gratitude for the people that show me they love me which repeatedly reinforces the feeling that I am the luckiest cuss in the world.


     Reconnecting with some old friends and peers has frequently left my heart full and my face wet. You or I can read a pithy post any day of the week on Facebook or any social media site how big a role friends and family play in one’s Life. Often though it is easy to overlook taking the time daily to consciously be grateful for those folks being part of our daily existence. There are definitely situations that can arise at any time that can cause one to just get stuck in dealing with what is on the plate right in front of you to the exclusion of anything or anyone else.  Whether that is right or wrong it is how it is. The last guy who we were told had an almost perfect batting average ended up with holes in his hands and feet so the bar has been set rather high.

     In some ways it’s hard to believe it is almost October. This year has flown and in other bouquets of moments has been somewhat agonizingly slow. I’ve learned much, so overall it has been a grand success in more ways than one.

     For now I’ll put a bookmark here and ask that you keep your eyes open for my next entry. To those of you who have been reading since the beginning I thank you for your support.  Comments and shares are appreciated and welcomed whether you read on a PC, tablet or phone and comments should be open on all devices.