A Test You Can't Study For

     

     There is nothing quite like a cancer scare to make your ass pucker and push your thought in all sorts of directions. One of the aspects of something like that coming down the pike is the knowledge you’ll may end up running the gauntlet we all know as the health care industry if the test results force you to start down that path. I had a procedure done the other day that still gives me little reminders of Gregg’s Not Excellent Adventure in a paper gown. I came through all right, though the two weeks leading up to that result is really what this post is about. I've waited a couple  of days with the idea in mind that it would help cut down on the profanity that may erupt from the end of my fingers during what will follow here: I make no promises nor apologies.

     My regular GP sent me to a specialist to get something checked out that gave him pause.  After some research online using the list of names I was given I made an appointment. When I arrived they asked me to pee in a cup and I dutifully complied.  After the usual vitals stuff the doc arrived about 20 minutes later. His entrance set my teeth on edge for the days ahead:

“Hi I’m Dr. ___, we found blood in your urine we are going to check you for cancer.” 

“Um, what?”

     At this juncture I’m still a big groggy after getting up 3 hours earlier than usual to get this appointment in before I get to work, though he has definitely got my attention, so  I listen to what the has to say. Essentially the hook was set for me to come back. He rattled off a short description of what happens next, tells me I need another test first before I came back, and explains the procedure. He then proceeds to tell me he does over 750 of these a year and I start doing math in my head. He shoos me off to see the receptionist and collect my cares and ways so I can head home.

     I scheduled the other test, which was taking a ride on the Stargate machine, AKA a CT scan; since they can’t do anything but take the test then hand you a CD I had to wait another week to get back to the doc again after that the test. Needless to say more than once that week I woke in the middle of the night and had to talk myself down off the ceiling before the appointment day rolled around.  After all is said and done, I’m right as rain, though maybe a tad grumpy, which is pretty much my normal state if you ask some folks. Am I glad all worked out okay?  You bet your ass I am, though I am definitely torqued at what I experienced.

    

     I felt like I was run through a procedure mill, right from my initial conversation with the doctor to the fact I got the EoB from my insurance less than 2 days after I had the procedure done. I never get those EoBs that fast. Never. The doctor himself and his staff were very pleasant, professional, and efficient though almost too much so; I felt like I reached warp speed as I was hustled through every little detail of my visit. When I was on my way out from the first visit I was told that my CT scan had been scheduled with an imaging place right down the road from this doctor’s office. I told the scheduler I’d rather not drive a half hour for the CT scan and preferred to use a place closer to my house, she wasn't too happy. That unhappiness was reinforced on procedure day when the doc asked me why I used the place his look of disdain just didn't sit right with me. I get the whole referrals thing and the back and forth, though seriously don’t be so fucking obvious. I told the gal who took my vitals that I felt like I was being hustled through a procedure mill. Her response was, “You know what this test is for right?” “No, I’m a goddamn idiot that hears the word cancer in the first 15 seconds of talking to the doctor and decides instead that it’s a good time for tennis lessons.”  Meow. When the doc came in he asked me the same question and I told him to just get this shit done. When we finished he asked me again and I told him, “You pretty much hooked me to come back when you the word cancer popped out of your mouth in the first words you spoke to me.” His response to that statement was the same question; obviously he didn't get my fucking point and I doubt he never will or cares too. 

     The whole procedure mill phenomenon is just way out of hand. From doctors performing a half dozen Lasik surgeries before lunch, to being knocked out so someone can stick a camera up your ass to check your tonsils, and though I don’t have them I’m sure most women don’t enjoy putting their tits in a vice. In essence it’s about billing; a hard sell under the guise of healthcare.  What we have is one continuous call to grab our plastic sheeting and duct tape to cover our windows so we can feel proactive as we wait for disaster to strike.

     The whole setup is based on fear; making us afraid and using that as an advantage to justify the process, which really fries my onions. So much of our health costs and our time spent are about responding to fear. My issue here is really how we have been conditioned to be afraid of various and sundry diseases that we willingly submit ourselves to all these tests over and over. Once we get our results we are usually handed a pill or two and the cycle repeats itself.  

     For me, doctors are essentially body mechanics and I go to them when I need a diagnosis if I think something is wrong.  Being stubborn as hell some times that noticing needs more than a little prodding from my other half. She is extremely adept at using my own advice against me; she simply asks me if she was experiencing whatever the symptom may be, what would I say to her. At that point I call her a brat, she giggles and I go make an appointment.  I guess I don’t see the value in looking for trouble, though I know a lot of you beg to differ when it comes to this kind of stuff. 

     My issue is not with the tests themselves, it is the fearful mindset we've allowed to be foisted upon us. Fear is a great motivator and an excellent marketing ploy that is used by basically anything that we buy whether it’s cars, zit cream, or the stuff on the “As Seen on TV” rack at your local grocery store and healthcare. You ask, have I fallen prey to the marketing of fear? Of course, if I had conquered the human condition I wouldn't be here. My biggest fear now is running out of things to write about and having the time to do it, and as boogy men go that’s not a big one.